The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
ENGLISH TO BECOME OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF THE EU
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
James Brigleb. A Quarter's Worth of Humor
by John T. Baker
(Announcement by the European Union)
It finally has been agreed
That English now will be
Officially the language of
Our nations' destiny.
We first considered German but
Consensus has agreed
That English is the proper tongue
To serve our future need.
There'll be a few small changes in
The spelling of some words
Because we've found that many now
Are strictly for the birds.
We've settled on a a five-year plan
To implement this change;
The first year we'll let "s" replase
Soft "c," which may seem strange
And for a while perhaps may make
Our sivil servants sad;
But when the hard "c" next bekomes
A "k" they'll all be glad.
Konfusion will be kleared up and
The sekond year much better
When "ph" is replased by "f"
To save another letter.
Then publikly akseptanse of
This fase kan be expekted
And any komplikations kan
Be kleverly korrekted.
The third year double letters which
Enkumber now our speling
Wil disapear with al of us
Kontent and not rebeling.
The fourth year we wil al agre
The silent "e" 's not neded
And its elimination wil
Be cherfuly konseded.
"Th" wil be replased by "z"
And "w" zen wiz "v"
And ozer useles leters dropd
By law ofishily.
So in ze fifz year ve vil hav
A ritn styl zat's nu;
Zer vil be no mor trubl and
Ze drem vil zen kum tru.