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Из архивов агента под именем Ра Ро Лес Нов:
Начальнику 5-го шифровального управления контрразведки Дэвиду Эшблэку.
Просим Ваш отдел оказать помощь в расшифровке стенограммы телефонного разговора между двумя российскими гражданами, выдающими себя за студентов, которые подозреваются в связях с русской мафией. Незаконность разговора очевидна — он проходил в явно шифрованном виде с тяжелым русским акцентом. Подозреваемые явно обсуждали какую-то крупную сделку и договорились о встрече — это всё что нам известно на данный момент.
Стенограмма:
- Allow!
- Pre-wet sir gay!
- Star over tall lick!
- Cock dealer?
- At leech now! Attic cock?
- Normal no.
- Show ass?
- Dove vote, pass to pill knock on its.
- Tatty show? Molly talk.
- Aha, boo doubt shit so tip year. At tee show?
- Mash inner coop ill.
- Cocker you?
- Bear am were.
- Class. More jet packer tie am see?
- Hot sea what now.
- Dove eye!
- Cheese so cheer is tree?
- Hooray show.
- What key skull cow bright?
- Cock a bitch now. Yes chick.
- Aha, yeah beer you.
- Are bob?
- Some more so boy. Tall cow bob tee is she.
- Sweat car pie dirt?
- Some sweat cow he bee.
- Lad no. Are cock now shit ear key?
- True go year dealer
- Dog over ill is.
- Poor cow.
- Dove stretch ear!
admin суперадмин Сообщений: 85 Город: Беларусь Страна: Беларусь На форуме с 04.02.08
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A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying.
He asked what was wrong.
'The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!' sobbed the head monk.
* * *
Before a meeting.
CEO: At the meeting don't interpret literally what I say. Try to translate actual concepts.
Interpreter: Thank you for telling me how to do my work. I guarantee I won't tranlslate your words but convey the meaning behind the spoken words.
At the meeting.
CEO: Given the success we obtained with our products, our focus is to open new markets abroad.
Interpreter: Given that no one buys our defective products in our country any more, we're looking for new morons abroad.
* * *
Inca Gold.
A member of the Inca tribe was captured by the Spanish. The captain told his interpreter to say to the Inca India, "Tell him if he doesn't tell us where they have hidden all of their gold, that we will burn both his feet in the fire." Through the interpreter the Inca Indian responded, "I'd rather die than tell you where the gold is." With that they burnt his feet. The Captain then told the interpreter to say, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the gold is hidden, we will hang him from that noose on the tree over there." Again the Inca responded: "I'd rather die than tell you where the gold is." With that they took him over to the tree and hung him until he could hardly breathe. The Spanish captain then ordered the Indian to be brought to him again. This time he said to the interpreter "Tell him that if he doesn't tell us where the gold is, we will skin him alive." The Inca could stand it no longer and said "The gold is hidden in a little cave behind the large waterfall. It is one mile over the hill to the right." The interpreter told the captain, "He said he would rather die than tell you where the gold is."
* * *
This mafia family was in need of a collection officer, and after screening many applicants they hired an individual who happened to be hearing impaired. He was very good at what he did, and within a week he had collected $40,000 from non-payers, however he was greedy and hid the money for himself.
It didn't take long for the mafia bosses to catch on, so they sent a couple of thugs and an interpreter to find the collector. They found him, took him to an abandoned warehouse and the two thugs told the interpreter to ask the collector, “where's da money?”
The interpreter signed to the collector and the collecter signed back, “I don't know what you're talking about.”
The interpreter told them what he had said and one of the thugs pulled out a 38 revolver and stuck it in the collector's ear. He told the interpreter to ask the collector about the money again. The interpreter asked.
The collector signed back, “It's in a tree stump in Central Park 50 yards east of the main fountain!”
The interpreter tells the thugs, “He said he still doesn't know what your talking about and you don't have the guts to pull that trigger!”
admin суперадмин Сообщений: 85 Город: Беларусь Страна: Беларусь На форуме с 04.02.08
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Британские учёные представили общественности самую смешную шутку в мире по окончании самого масштабного изучения в области юмора из всех когда-либо предпринятых. Более 40 тысяч шуток получили около двух миллионов оценок. Шутки оценивались по пятибалльной шкале специальным «шуткомером» («Giggleometer») от «не очень смешно» до «очень смешно».
Шутка, которая получила самые высокие оценки, была представлена на суд общественности психиатром Гарпалом Госселом (Gurpal Gosall) из Манчестера: два охотника выходят из леса, и один из них вдруг падает на землю. Кажется, он не дышит, его глаза остекленели. Другой охотник выхватывает телефон и вызывает 911. Задыхаясь от волнения, он кричит в трубку: «Мой друг мёртв! Что мне делать?» Оператор отвечает: «Успокойтесь, мы вам поможем, но сначала давайте удостоверимся, что ваш друг действительно мёртв». Некоторое время в трубке тишина, потом слышится выстрел. Охотник говорит диспетчеру: «Ладно, он мёртв, что теперь?»
Лучшая шутка в Шотландии: «Я хочу умереть тихо и мирно во сне так же, как мой дедушка. А не крича от ужаса, как его пассажиры».
Лучшая шутка в Великобритании: две ласки сидят на скамейке. Одна, чтобы оскорбить другую, кричит: «Я спал с твоей матерью!» Становится тихо, обе ласки прислушиваются, ожидая, что будет дальше. Первая снова вопит: «Я переспал с твоей матерью!» Другая, наконец, отвечает: «Иди домой, папа, ты пьян».
В ходе исследования были получены и другие интересные результаты. Так, выяснилось, что немцы, не особо славящиеся своим чувством юмора, посчитали смешными практически все шутки подряд, не отдавая предпочтение ни одной из них.
Ирландцы, британцы, австралийцы и жители Новой Зеландии наиболее высокие оценки дали шуткам с игрой слов.
admin суперадмин Сообщений: 85 Город: Беларусь Страна: Беларусь На форуме с 04.02.08
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A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?"
"OK," he thinks, "this day was bound to come, and I'm not going to let my little princess learn about sex from the streets."
So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, intercourse, puberty and menstruation.
Then she asks, "Daddy, what is 'A Couple'?"
And he carries on, "A couple is two people like your mom and me." And he goes on to describe gay, lesbianism, etc...
The father finally asks, "So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..." the girl replies.
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runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's Sex?" 
